


Consequence

by kndrmbs



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Based on 3B trailer, Based on 3x14 promo, Episode: 3x14 A Kiss From a Rose, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt Magnus Bane, M/M, Might include spoilers?, emotional breakdown
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-13
Updated: 2019-03-15
Packaged: 2019-11-16 17:05:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18098507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kndrmbs/pseuds/kndrmbs
Summary: Magnus gets his magic back and seems happy, but Alec senses that his warlock boyfriend is hiding something.Eventually he learns the truth behind the deal Magnus made with Lorenzo and the depth of his desperation.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on what we saw in 3x14 promo, 3b trailer, the spoilers about their 'argument' and my imagination!  
> Bear in mind, this is my first time writing a fiction in English.
> 
> *I do not disclaim ownership over characters.*

 “Ah, feels good to be back.” 

Magnus exclaimed as he portalled himself, Alec and Simon back from a successful mission. He was feeling useful again. He was radiating in his flashy outfits and makeup he had temporarily abandoned. Alec could not help but smile at his boyfriend’s joy who could call himself a warlock again. He hadn’t seemed this happy in a while and a happy Magnus was what Alec wanted more than anything. His voice wasn't strained anymore and his movement was graceful and light again. 

But something was off.

Why would Lorenzo offer any kind of help, let alone something as big as regaining magic? And why is his magic yellow instead of the usual blue?

 “I think he understood my struggles as a fellow warlock. Oh, it wasn’t a pleasant experience to be pitied by that smug face, he was clearly reveling in being a ‘bigger man’ and making me beg for help. But it was worth it.”

Magnus explained nonchalantly when Alec tentatively asked.

 “But didn’t he forbid the warlocks to help you?”

 “Alec. Let’s just say there’s something only warlocks can understand. He had fun humiliating me but it wasn’t meant to last forever.”

But Alec recognized that face: the same face Magnus put on to pretend everything was fine when it wasn’t. But he chose not to probe into it now, hoping that he was just overthinking.

 

That evening, Magnus started looking noticeably tired. It was an unusual sight. With or without magic, his stamina never failed him and rarely got tired. Or tired enough to let it show, at any rate.

 “Magnus, are you okay?”

 “Of course I am. Why?”

 “It's just... You look like you need a good sleep.”

 “Should I be insulted by that?”

Magnus met his gaze with a challenge in his eyes and Alec found himself smiling. He knew this game.

 “No, you look beautiful even when you’re tired.”

 “And so do you.”

Despite his worries, he couldn’t help but let his heart melt at his boyfriend’s smile. Everyday Alec found a new thing to be fascinated about, if that was even possible: how the way he tilted his head to look at Alec made his jawline look even sharper and the light reflect on his eyes – _eyes_ , Alec stopped his train of thought at this.

 “Can I ask you something?”

 “Anything for my angel.”

 “Can you… can you show me your cat eyes?”

Magnus slightly stiffened and Alec enjoyed his small victory. The warlock looked as if he was caught off-guard, as if he had just realized something for the first time. But then he raised his eyebrow with a cheeky grin.

 “So you did miss them.”

 “I mean, of course your eyes look beautiful in any colour… but…you know, now that you have your magic...”

Magnus' eyes darted around before he finally put back on his usual flirtatious expression.

 “Maybe I can show them later in the bedroom? You loved it when I dropped the glamour involuntarily.”

He replied with a wink but Alec could tell he was trying to change the subject. The only problem was that he wasn’t as smooth as Magnus when it came to manipulating conversations -

 “I wanna see them now.” - and that came out a little more blunt and demanding than Alec had intended.

Magnus was clearly thinking hard. He took a deep breath and opened his mouth.

 “Alexander, my cat eyes may not return. You see… the magic was earned through another warlock. So it is different to what I was inherently born with.”

 “Is that why it’s yellow?”

 “Yes.” There was a pause. Magnus looked away.

 “Is there something more I should know? Magnus?”

 “To be honest, I’m not entirely sure at this point. There might be things I’ll have to figure out as time goes. It is an extremely rare spell so I can’t predict every consequence.”

 “Consequence?”

Alec saw a flicker of guilt on the warlock’s face. His heart sank. He didn’t know what it was yet, but his guts were telling him that he was about to discover something tremendous.

 “I feel like there’s something you’re not telling me.”

 “I told you everything I know.” Magnus finally looked straight into the shadowhunter’s face and sighed.

 “Anyway, it’s not something you need to worry about.”

Alec couldn’t take it any more.

 “I can make that decision myself. Tell me, Magnus. What is it?”

 “I said I -”

 “Magnus.” He stepped forward and cupped Magnus’ face, looking into his eyes imploringly.

 “Do you swear that there’s nothing else you’re hiding from me?”

 “Alec...”

 “You once said you wanted absolute honesty from me. That goes both ways. I don’t wanna push you but I know when you’re hiding something.”

 “Do you?”

Alec flinched at the sudden eerie tone in his voice. Was that – anger? Resentment? But before he could think any further, Magnus turned his face away. There was another deafening silence.

 “It is true when I said I told you everything I know. Because that’s all I know for _sure_. But there’re some possible consequences… which might not happen at all. That’s why I didn’t want to tell you. I didn’t want you to worry about something that might not happen.”

 “I still want to know.”

 “Well... The thing is, this spell is essentially like – how should I put it – organ transportation that mundanes do. The difference is that the risk of rejection is a little higher.”

Alec swallowed thickly. His mouth was dry.

 “And?”

 “If, _if_ my body were to reject Lorenzo’s magic, it would keep draining my energy.”

 “I, I don’t understand...”

 “In short, it’d be the death of me. But only in the worst case scenario.”

Alec felt like the world had just stopped.

 “But it might not happen.” Magnus quickly added but Alec wasn’t listening anymore.

 “In fact, I think I’ll be totally fine. See, this is why I didn’t want to -”

 “How could you?”

 “What?”

 “’Worst case scenario'?! Do you even hear yourself? How could you do that? And, and, without even telling me?!”

 “Would you have let me do it if I had told you?”

 “Of course not! What – I- I – So this is why Lorenzo agreed? Which means... this, this 'risk' is actually quite high- oh, by the angel, Magnus!”

Alec closed his eyes to gather himself. He found it hard to breathe. He felt completely out of control.

 “I don’t understand – you risked your life for your magic! Magnus, we would have got through this. I’ve always told you, you’re the strongest person I know. It wouldn’t have been easy, but, but, you’d have eventually got used to it and -”

 “Got used to it? Like you got used to the role of protector and having the upper hand?”

He sobered up at the sharp coldness in Magnus’ voice. He felt like he had been slapped.

 “What do you mean?”

 “No, sorry, I didn’t mean that. Forget that I said it.”

 “You’re not saying I wanted it to be that way, are you?”

But even as he said this he felt a pang of guilt. Of course he wanted Magnus to get his magic back and be happy and mighty again. But he couldn’t deny that a small part of him enjoyed looking after him and feeling protective.

 “What I’m saying is, Alexander, while I appreciated your support, I was more broken than I appeared. More than I realized at first. But yes, I wanted it enough to risk my life”

 “Then why didn’t you tell me?”

 “I didn’t want you to see how lost I was. Maybe I wanted to let myself be consoled by your sweet words.”

 “Magnus, we’ve talked about this already! You never have to pretend anything. After all we’ve been through, you can’t-”

 “Because, Alec, I didn’t want you to feel guilty about something you couldn’t understand!”

Alec fell silent. The firmness in his voice stung. _Magnus didn't trust him to understand his feelings?_

 “You thought I wouldn’t understand you?”

 “You just said yourself you couldn’t understand why I would go so far. The thing is, Alec, a warlock’s magic isn’t just an ability that comes as a bonus. It wasn’t just something that made my life easy. It ran in my blood. It’s what made the man I was.”

His voice trembled as tears began falling from his dark eyes. Alec’s vision was all blurry, too, although he wasn’t aware.

 “When I said there’s something only warlocks can understand, there was some truth in it. Imagine everything you’d known about yourself, for hundreds of years, hundreds of years, Alec, was stripped away and what do you do with what’s left then? What are you then?”

It was true Alec couldn’t fully grasp the weight of hundreds years of life. And he thought the loss of magic would be somewhat like de-runing, painful and devastating but something he would eventually get over like his mother did. And they would happily live togher, growing old together. He felt ashamed and embarrassed, and hurt. It was a painful realization that there was something he could not fathom about the man he loved.

 “So you just decided to throw your life away? Am I not part of your life? When were you going to tell me? When you’re, you’re, dying… oh, God.”

His breath hitched again at the thought of Magnus dying. He had to sit down on the couch not to pass out.

 “But I’m _not_ dying. And I don’t regret the decision. It was my choice, as was when I decided to give up my magic.”

Despite the determination in his voice, Magnus looked lost and scared. Alec started sobbing uncontrollably.

 "Please tell me you can take it back. You will take it back."

 "I'm afraid that's not possible even if I wanted. Alexander – I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

He couldn’t stand it anymore. He was angry at himself for having been oblivious to Magnus’ devastation, at Magnus for not trusting him. He was then swept away by overwhelming guilt as well; after all, he was the reason this whole things happened in the first place. And yet Magnus apologized with a pain-stricken face.

And he was never good at dealing with so many emotions at the same time. Alec turned towards the door, ignoring the voice in his head saying he probably shouldn’t leave Magnus alone, who looked absolutely haggard now.

 “Alexander, where are you going?”

But he shut the door behind him, desperately wanting to run away.

 

 

***

 

 

Alec wished he hadn’t left. 

He came back with a clearer head, prepared to talk it through with Magnus like a grown man -although he felt like a child- in an established relationship. They would have an open conversation and start looking for a solution, together. Like they always did after little rows. And maybe Magnus was right, he might be fine after all.

But what he saw was Magnus lying on the floor.

The _consequence_ \- the word hit his brain.

He was still breathing but his golden skin was pale and cold like ice. Blood was trickling down from this nose. There was a bruise on his cheekbone which was probably from hitting something as he fell to the floor.

Panic shot through Alec’s body.

_Think_ , he thought to himself, _And calm the fuck down_ , what should he do? He dialled Catarina’s number. He wasn’t sure if Lorenzo’s ban was lifted but didn’t care.

 “Hello, Alec?”

 “Catarina… I need help. He needs help. Magnus… Please…”

 “I’ll be right there.”

Alec was thankful when she didn’t ask any further, because he wasn’t sure he was capable of making any sense. Waiting for Catarina to portal herself to the loft, he hugged the warlock tightly. He never imagined Magnus could be the one to die first. He assured him that fifty years is still a long time. Now he realized that Magnus might not live for another fifty years.

_No, I can’t let that happen_ , Alec thought. He swore himself that he would do anything to save him, at all costs.

_I can’t lose you. I won’t_.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to finish at just one chaptor but then thought it would be nice to add Magnus' POV!
> 
> Thanks for all the kudos and comments.

Magnus opened his eyes.

It took me a moment to realize where he was. When did he go to bed? Then he saw Alec sat next to the bed, dozing off. There were bottles and jars on a tray. He recognized they belonged to Catarina. 

The memories flooded back. The heated argument, the emotional outbursts, Alec storming out and then headache and nausea attacking him- probably he had passed out after that.

Magnus’ heart was filled with guilt and adoration at the sight of Alec, who looked haunted even in his sleep.

He had known the spell was extremely risky but chosen not to let that sink in. His mind had been so focused on one thing, almost blinded, like a starving beast in search of game in an empty field.

He had tried, thinking maybe he could live as a happy mundane with the love of his life, how he could have almost lost Alec and probably he would have made the same choice even if he could have gone back in time, meaning regret was pointless.

But the thing was, love wasn’t enough.

Even though Alec was the most important and crucial part of his life now, it wasn’t enough to make up for the loss of himself. He had to fill in the empty shell with what was left.

 _Fifty years is a long time_ – maybe, but not enough to move on from what he had known to be himself for centuries. And how could he tell Alec that he had made an irreparable sacrifice for him and his love wasn't enough to mend it? When even he himself couldn't wrap his head around it?

He recalled the hurt on Alec's face.

_I really fucked it up, didn't I?_

Magnus felt exhausted. He wasn't used to feeling this swamped. His life had been under control, even when standing at the edge of Blackfriars bridge and entertaining the thought of jumping in.

He sat us, groaning. He must have earned a painful bruise or two when passing out. Alec woke up at this and sprang to his side at once.

 “Magnus? Thank the angel, you’re awake!”

 “I told you, you can’t get rid of me that easily.”

Alec tried to smile but his eyes welled up.

 “I gotta call Catarina. She only left a moment ago and asked me to let her know when you wake up.”

 “Good ol’ Catarina. I think I’ll do it myself to thank her. What else did she say?”

Magnus asked casually. But for the first time, he felt scared of dying. Never in his life death had felt so tangible.

 “She said you would recover from this one soon enough.”

 “And…?”

 “Other than that... she wasn’t so sure, whether it'll happen again or, or it'll be worse when it does- ”

 “Alexander, I’m -”

 “Don’t say that.”

Alec interrupted, his voice trembling.

 “You’re not fine. I mean, really, really not fine. And knowing that anything worse can happen anytime, I’m not fine either.”

Magnus raised his hand in protest, but then he dropped his facade.

 “To be absolutely honest, Alexander, I’m terrified. Of everything.”

He was surprised at his own words. It was the first time he ever voiced out his fear to Alec. Perhaps he was too exhausted to pretend. Or it was the sudden surge of need to open up himself after all the anxiety. Alec cupped his face with wide eyes, trying not to put pressure on the bruise on his cheekbone.

 “So am I.”

They remained embracing for a long time in silence, both feeling lost and helpless. When Alec broke off, his eyes were full with guilt. 

 “Magnus, I’m so sorry that I left you like that. That was so childish and cowardly of me.”

 “And I was wrong to hide it from you and lash out on you like that.”

 “I got so scared and... it's just... I want to know all about you. Really know you. And I felt like there was this big gap...like oceans between us.”

Magnus was taken aback by the simplicity and purity of the shadowhunter’s desire to know everything about him. The want to see every inch of him. And how he was so frustrated by the barrier which Magnus had always accepted as something inevitable between two people. His heart felt ached and warm at the same time. He gently brushed the back of Alec's neck.

 “Perhaps this is my fault. I guess hundreds of years don't necessarily make you a wise man. And you know what? Oceans may be wide but not infinite.”

Alec smiled with still-watery eyes which melted Magnus, as if none of the tension and argument never had happened. 

 "Magnus, you don't think... Lorenzo did anything..."

 "I don't believe so. He maybe an annoying piece of shit but wouldn't go far as to deliberately.... harm me."

He almost said 'killed' then he checked himself. Alec's eyes suddenly gleamed with a new determination.

 “I'll do everything to fix it, Magnus. Whatever it takes.”

 “ _We_ will do it. Together. Remember what you said?”

Magnus replied although he wasn't sure how they were going to do it. Alec had the odd ability to convince him. Maybe he should always be beside Alec so he didn't have to slide into the swallowing grief? Magnus chuckled a little at the thought of them walking around together like a kitkat.

Alec's phone rang. It was Catarina.

 “Yes, he just woke up. Actually he wanted to speak to you. Ok.”

He handed his phone over to Magnus.

 “MAGNUS BANE, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING-"

 “Catarina, I'm not deaf.”

 “YOU STUPID OLD MAN-"

 “Ok, I'm a little offended now?"

 “This isn't funny!”

 “I get it, I get it. Calm down. I'm alive.”

Catarina sighed as if to gather herself.

 “And thanks to you.” Magnus added.

 “Magnus, this is serious. I've never seen anything like that. That's the scary part, I have no idea what could happen next.”

 “I will- we will figure it out. Right now, I'd rather have a good rest rather than wracking my brain.”

There was another sigh.

 “Ok. I left some potions there, I wasn't sure if you still had them. You know what to do with them, right?”

 “Did you forget I was the one who taught you how to make them? Give me some credit.”

 “Well, at least you have the energy to be sassy. I'm glad.”

 “Thank you, my friend.”

Magnus hung up the phone with a smile on his lips. Alec seemed relieved to see Magnus being his usual self.

 “You know what? I think I could do with a good shower.”

 “May I join?”

Magnus raised his eyebrow and Alec blushed.

 “No, Magnus, I didn't mean that. I just want to freshen up a bit, too.”

 _And I'm worried you might collapse again_ \- he didn't say it, but Magnus could see it on his face. But he let go of it.

 “Then let's have a wholesome shower session together, pup.”

 "I'm _not_ \- ok, I'll let you have it this one time. Doesn't mean I like it."

 

 

***

 

 

Magnus realized this was the first time they were having a shower together. The shower stall wasn't big enough to accommodate two big men and it got a little awkward at times, but it was a pleasant experience. More than anything, he was happy to have this normalcy.

Despite the early premise, things were getting a bit heated as desire started replacing the anxiety and stress in the hot mist.

 "God, you're so beautiful, Magnus."

Alec exclaimed, staring at Magnus with a makeup-free face and tousled hair. Magnus loved the way he said such things. It was as if he couldn't help but say them, like the words came out involuntarily, rather than complimenting to make him feel good.

 “Well, I must say you're not bad yourself. Especially prettier when you're wet.”

Magnus stepped closer, feeling slightly dazed.

 “Magnus, don't be like that. I'm trying to control myself.”

 “Don't.”

At that, Alec’s mouth plunged into Magnus' and hungrily devoured it. They both desperately needed a good distraction from the reality. And oh, what a sweet distraction.

They finally broke off to catch their breath. Just as they were about to pull each other again, Magnus’ hands suddenly froze. He doesn't know why -maybe it was the desperate desire in Alec's eyes- but the fierce, sheer determination on his face when he’d said _‘I'll do everything to fix it, whatever it takes'_ came to his mind.

He shuddered. He knew how Alec was capable of doing something completely irrational when his mind was set on something; just like Magnus was. It was one of many qualities they shared.

 “What? Did I hurt you?” Alec asked in a raspy voice, looking concered.

 “Promise me, Alexander, you won't do anything stupid for me without telling me. You won't put yourself in danger.”

 “Magnus-"

 “Promise me or I'll call you pup in front of all the shadowhunters next time I'm at the institute.”

Magnus said jokingly, too cautious to turn this into another anxious conversation.

 “Oh, shut up.”

Alec pulled his face towards him hastily and kissed. _You didn't promise-_ Magnus thought. But he chose not to discuss it now and let himself melt at the sweet sensation. Maybe later.

Now, all he needed was the comfort of Alec's body. He couldn't bear to break away from this moment.

 

 


End file.
